Post by gronkthebold on May 12, 2013 14:22:16 GMT -6
Our story started in Willham, a small, quaint village created by a previous player’s fighter/mage after the White Plume Mountain campaign I did with a group a few years back. A lone acolyte of the Great and Blessed Cacti (Yes, I let my player name the deity. The result was...interesting, to say the least), Jeff the Kolf, travelled to this settlement to preach and gain followers of this cult. Failing to impress the peasantry, he moved into the Rusty Staff Tavern (Named by the same player who created the village). In this watering hole the customers were sparse and only the old minstrel and a one armed Dwarf warrior with two holed eye patches sombrely sipped his ale, mumbling about wanting to be in some sort of following (This was the second player, a veteran of D&D with a quirky and fun sense of humour. Yes, the whole “wanting to join a religion” was a party hook he created on the spot.). The nearby minstrel heard this mumbling plea and pointed him towards the cleric standing in the doorway. In a quick and paranoid response, the Dwarf head butted the minstrel and knocked him out cold. The tavern keeper sensibly took a blade in each hand and gave the dwarf a stern warning about the consequences if he attempted to brawl again or, worse, kill a tavern customer.
Now focused on the cleric, the dwarf spoke to him about partnership (and for some reason, the dwarven laws against homosexuality*…). Two males and a female commoner entered this tavern, shaking their head as they presumed the minstrel was completely drunk and ordered food and drink, the latter member of the group caught the eye of the playboy dwarf immediately. He told her his name was Dylan the Gorgeous, and the young woman was less than pleased to see his dirty and beaten face (he rolled very badly on the reaction table). Turning away from the warrior dwarf, she chatted to her two companions instead which left the Dwarf feeling dejected as he began to speak to Jeff again. Dylan told Jeff he had heard the minstrel sing something about a half demon, half human being that lived and ruled Mount Bloodspire in the White Plume Mountains to the North West, which piqued the acolyte’s curiosity considerably. Dylan also spoke of how he suffered from leprosy, and needed a legendary Bohemian ear spoon of great power to heal himself (Everyone laughed heartily at the mention of the Bohemian ear-spoon).
Satisfied with this new-formed duo, they marched with newfound morale to the swordsman’s guild, they argued for about five minutes about the system of choosing hirelings (they went with a “guess what number I’m thinking of and you can join” system for some bizarre reason) and gained 12 volunteering men and women at arms. He (the Dwarf) ignored most of their names and simply referred to them as numbers. The Dwarven warrior presented an extremely bad speech on how most of them would die on the quest, so after a quick morale roll most of the more cowardly (or smart, this was a mad one armed dwarf they were dealing with!) hirelings left. The remaining group travelled eight miles to the south east because they believed a friendly bog monster lived there that would give them the Spear of Leprosy (Yeah, I didn’t get what my players were talking about either) and they reached a hillside cave. Dylan, feeling like his usual violent self, pushed one of the scrawnier hirelings down the steps of the cave and discovered an old ruin (perhaps made by gnomes or dwarves long ago)! Dylan, to finally put icing on the homicidal cake, slid down on his shield and beat the hireling, knocking out another fresh face they recently met. The rest of the hirelings, after hearing the Dwarf’s report of what he did, decided they had enough and left the maniac for the village (after failing another morale check). The only two hirelings remaining were a beefy but ignorant mercenary and the unconscious scrawny hireling (whom the other men-at-arms clearly did not give a d**n about). To make matters worse, they (Dylan and Jeff) forced the thick mercenary to use a lock pick on the only door in the dungeon after discovering the door was locked. The result was expected, the mercenary jabbed the lock pick against the lock and activated a small poison needle trap which killed him instantly! With the trap deactivated in the most terrible way possible, the dwarf kicked the door down and they both left the knocked out hireling behind. They entered a 50X90’ room with a hobbit sized hole in the floor, doors to the north and south and a holy shrine with a 6ft. stone statue of a demonic deity with a fearsome weapon in each of its four hands. Jeff inspected the room and Dylan fit himself into the small, square opening, hoping to find some treasure to fill his empty pockets. Dissatisfied with the lack of gold in the hole, he pulled himself up and discussed with Jeff about the statue. They came to the conclusion that the head (they could not bring the entire thing with them) was worth something and Dylan broke the old statue’s head off, hearing a fearsome roar from seemingly nowhere that almost caused him to fall off. Thanking his luck he didn’t plummet, Dylan and Jeff elected to observe the southern door closely for any snares and, because of a lucky roll; they discovered the door was booby trapped! The trapped door was ignored by the duo, who felt that trying to disarm the device would be instant death, and they headed towards a door to the north. Faced with this new door, they deduced it was not trapped but were forced to kick it down because it was stuck.
A very lucky roll from Dylan opened the doorway and they entered a gargantuan square room, in which they could see a pile of electrum pieces, and corpses being eaten by three fire beetles that had not yet noticed our protagonists. Taking this opportunity for a surprise attack, firing an arrow (The description of him firing with one arm and a special prosthetic arm was interesting to say the least) and piercing the carapace of a beetle for a minor wound. Flaring their glowing glands, the beetles scurried into melee range and suffered another minor wounding from an arrow in the process. Now reaching the players, the beetles began the melee. The melee was catastrophic for the players, only one beetle was killed before the dwarf was slain! Not willing to risk his life further, Jeff fled the beetles successfully and slammed the door shut behind him. He then heard a voice mumble about “good looting” on from where the stairs were. Investigating further, he found that the scrawny hireling’s pockets were being searched by a slender male human fighter with chainmail and a long sword. The swordsman introduced himself as Groth (The Player of Dylan’s new PC), and after hearing Jeff’s explanation of who he and the hireling were Groth decided to try to rouse the unconscious hireling awake. This was successful, and the hireling although dazed was more than willing to join the remaining two members now that the dwarf was gone. They returned to the northern room again with the aim of avenging their comrade, and unfortunately Jeff could not get even a lick of damage at the beetles before suffering his final wound. Thankfully, the remaining player and his hireling final put an end to the beetle menace in the room. After this combat, the hireling explained to Groth that his name was Lerlor Rotran. At that point, “the hour was getting late” (to paraphrase Bob Dylan), and we decided to end the session there.
So there you have it, the story of how a (terrible) referee and his two eccentric (if not madcap) players managed to lose the near entirety of their hirelings and kill off and leave behind the remainder and also their PCs. This was a very fun session, great laughs were had, and we are looking forward to seeing what happens to Groth and the upcoming character next session!
*Note: None of us are actually homophobic or hold prejudices against homosexuals, nor are there any laws in Dwarf kingdoms against homosexuality, the Dwarf was just letting his booze addled mind talk and thus he spoke about a load of nonsense irrelevant to my campaign world. So we mean no offense to anyone who may read this as being offensive.
Now focused on the cleric, the dwarf spoke to him about partnership (and for some reason, the dwarven laws against homosexuality*…). Two males and a female commoner entered this tavern, shaking their head as they presumed the minstrel was completely drunk and ordered food and drink, the latter member of the group caught the eye of the playboy dwarf immediately. He told her his name was Dylan the Gorgeous, and the young woman was less than pleased to see his dirty and beaten face (he rolled very badly on the reaction table). Turning away from the warrior dwarf, she chatted to her two companions instead which left the Dwarf feeling dejected as he began to speak to Jeff again. Dylan told Jeff he had heard the minstrel sing something about a half demon, half human being that lived and ruled Mount Bloodspire in the White Plume Mountains to the North West, which piqued the acolyte’s curiosity considerably. Dylan also spoke of how he suffered from leprosy, and needed a legendary Bohemian ear spoon of great power to heal himself (Everyone laughed heartily at the mention of the Bohemian ear-spoon).
Satisfied with this new-formed duo, they marched with newfound morale to the swordsman’s guild, they argued for about five minutes about the system of choosing hirelings (they went with a “guess what number I’m thinking of and you can join” system for some bizarre reason) and gained 12 volunteering men and women at arms. He (the Dwarf) ignored most of their names and simply referred to them as numbers. The Dwarven warrior presented an extremely bad speech on how most of them would die on the quest, so after a quick morale roll most of the more cowardly (or smart, this was a mad one armed dwarf they were dealing with!) hirelings left. The remaining group travelled eight miles to the south east because they believed a friendly bog monster lived there that would give them the Spear of Leprosy (Yeah, I didn’t get what my players were talking about either) and they reached a hillside cave. Dylan, feeling like his usual violent self, pushed one of the scrawnier hirelings down the steps of the cave and discovered an old ruin (perhaps made by gnomes or dwarves long ago)! Dylan, to finally put icing on the homicidal cake, slid down on his shield and beat the hireling, knocking out another fresh face they recently met. The rest of the hirelings, after hearing the Dwarf’s report of what he did, decided they had enough and left the maniac for the village (after failing another morale check). The only two hirelings remaining were a beefy but ignorant mercenary and the unconscious scrawny hireling (whom the other men-at-arms clearly did not give a d**n about). To make matters worse, they (Dylan and Jeff) forced the thick mercenary to use a lock pick on the only door in the dungeon after discovering the door was locked. The result was expected, the mercenary jabbed the lock pick against the lock and activated a small poison needle trap which killed him instantly! With the trap deactivated in the most terrible way possible, the dwarf kicked the door down and they both left the knocked out hireling behind. They entered a 50X90’ room with a hobbit sized hole in the floor, doors to the north and south and a holy shrine with a 6ft. stone statue of a demonic deity with a fearsome weapon in each of its four hands. Jeff inspected the room and Dylan fit himself into the small, square opening, hoping to find some treasure to fill his empty pockets. Dissatisfied with the lack of gold in the hole, he pulled himself up and discussed with Jeff about the statue. They came to the conclusion that the head (they could not bring the entire thing with them) was worth something and Dylan broke the old statue’s head off, hearing a fearsome roar from seemingly nowhere that almost caused him to fall off. Thanking his luck he didn’t plummet, Dylan and Jeff elected to observe the southern door closely for any snares and, because of a lucky roll; they discovered the door was booby trapped! The trapped door was ignored by the duo, who felt that trying to disarm the device would be instant death, and they headed towards a door to the north. Faced with this new door, they deduced it was not trapped but were forced to kick it down because it was stuck.
A very lucky roll from Dylan opened the doorway and they entered a gargantuan square room, in which they could see a pile of electrum pieces, and corpses being eaten by three fire beetles that had not yet noticed our protagonists. Taking this opportunity for a surprise attack, firing an arrow (The description of him firing with one arm and a special prosthetic arm was interesting to say the least) and piercing the carapace of a beetle for a minor wound. Flaring their glowing glands, the beetles scurried into melee range and suffered another minor wounding from an arrow in the process. Now reaching the players, the beetles began the melee. The melee was catastrophic for the players, only one beetle was killed before the dwarf was slain! Not willing to risk his life further, Jeff fled the beetles successfully and slammed the door shut behind him. He then heard a voice mumble about “good looting” on from where the stairs were. Investigating further, he found that the scrawny hireling’s pockets were being searched by a slender male human fighter with chainmail and a long sword. The swordsman introduced himself as Groth (The Player of Dylan’s new PC), and after hearing Jeff’s explanation of who he and the hireling were Groth decided to try to rouse the unconscious hireling awake. This was successful, and the hireling although dazed was more than willing to join the remaining two members now that the dwarf was gone. They returned to the northern room again with the aim of avenging their comrade, and unfortunately Jeff could not get even a lick of damage at the beetles before suffering his final wound. Thankfully, the remaining player and his hireling final put an end to the beetle menace in the room. After this combat, the hireling explained to Groth that his name was Lerlor Rotran. At that point, “the hour was getting late” (to paraphrase Bob Dylan), and we decided to end the session there.
So there you have it, the story of how a (terrible) referee and his two eccentric (if not madcap) players managed to lose the near entirety of their hirelings and kill off and leave behind the remainder and also their PCs. This was a very fun session, great laughs were had, and we are looking forward to seeing what happens to Groth and the upcoming character next session!
*Note: None of us are actually homophobic or hold prejudices against homosexuals, nor are there any laws in Dwarf kingdoms against homosexuality, the Dwarf was just letting his booze addled mind talk and thus he spoke about a load of nonsense irrelevant to my campaign world. So we mean no offense to anyone who may read this as being offensive.