Post by tkdco2 on Sept 9, 2014 18:52:40 GMT -6
DISCLAIMER: This article, which I originally did a long time ago, is meant to be in jest. Most of the members of the boards I posted it in recognized it as a joke. A few, however, took it seriously, hence the disclaimer. That said, enjoy.
The following house rules can be implemented in order to "add zest to the campaign." Dungeon Masters around the world are petitioning their nations' legislative bodies to make this a law under the Sucks to be You Act. Implement them at your own risk.
Barbarians
While barbarians are truly fearsome when they rage, they are emotionally exhausted when the rage ends. If a stressful or dangerous situation occurs after a barbarian comes out of his rage, the only action he can take is sit on the ground and wail like an infant. This will last until the end of the situation. At this time, the barbarian cannot attack and is considered flat-footed.
Bards
No matter how well a bard performs, there will always be at least one critic who hates his performance and heckles him mercilessly. Throwing tomatoes at the bard is optional but recommended.
Bardic spells must be sung and played on a musical instrument. The bard must make a Charisma check (to emulate his singing) and a Dexterity check (to emulate his playing) to successfully cast a spell, both at DC 15. If the bard fails either roll, the spell fizzles, and nothing happens. If the bard fails both checks, he suffers a magical backlash of 1d4 per level of spell he was attempting to cast.
Clerics and Paladins
If the cleric or paladin finds himself in a situation that may tempt him to sin (the actual definition of "sin" depends on the patron deity), the PC must pass a Willpower save at DC 15. Failure means that the character is tempted to commit the sin, and the deity casts a Shocking Grasp spell on the PC as a warning. Should the cleric or paladin ignore the warning and sin anyway, the deity punishes him by casting a Call Lightning spell on the wretch. And you thought your religion was restrictive!
Druids and Rangers
Whenever a druid or ranger attempts to enter the city, his animal companions decide he is not worthy of their respect and attack him, fighting to the death.
Fighters
Whenever the player rolls a natural 18 or higher, the blow was so powerful, it put a strain on the weapon. The stroke deals damage to the target normally, but the weapon also suffers half that amount, rounded up. Be sure to reduce the weapon's hardness before reducing its hit points.
If the roll is a natural 3 or lower, the weapon has struck the target in a very bad way. The target is not damaged, but the weapon suffers full damage as if a hit had been rolled. Remember to include bonuses from Strength and enchantments.
NOTE: This applies to everyone engaged in melee combat.
Monks
When a monk misses his unarmed attack roll by 5 or more, he suffers from a pulled muscle due to overexertion. He is at -2 to all attacks until he is healed.
When a monk misses his unarmed attack roll by 10 or more, he breaks the limb he was attacking with. He is at -5 to all attacks until he is healed.
When a monk uses his increased speed or Leap of the Clouds ability, he must roll his Dexterity at DC 20. Failure results in halved movement and -2 to AC due to a pulled groin muscle.
NOTE: These rules apply to everyone engaged in unarmed combat or fast movement.
Rogues
The secret police are everywhere. Even the lowliest beggar is a fully deputized agent of the law. If the rogue is apparently alone when he commits a crime, in reality the secret police were tailing him while invisible.
Have someone else pick the rogue's pocket for a change. Ironically, the secret police were all on coffee break when this occurred.
Sorcerers and Wizards
Sorcerers and wizards suffer 2 points of subdual damage per level of spell they cast. In addition, when a high level spell (level 7 or higher) is cast, the caster must make a Fortitude save at DC 25. Failure results in the following consequences:
Failure by 5: The wizard or sorcerer permanently loses 2 points of a randomly determined ability score. The random loss indicates the chaotic nature of magic.
Failure by 10: As above, but the familiar also takes 3 hit points of lethal damage per spell level.
Failure by 15: As failure by 10, but the wizard or sorcerer is forever immune to the effects of the spell he was attempting to cast. Unfortunately, he has forever lost the ability to cast that spell.
Should you have a death wish, feel free to enforce these rules. Here are a few helpful tips to facilitate their implementation.
1. Wear running shoes and be prepared to use them.
2. Sit as far away from the players as possible, preferably near the exit.
3. Minimize the number of objects the players can throw at you. Dice and pencils are a necessary evil, but remove all glasses, bottles, and CD players from the room.
Good luck and happy gaming. I hope I see you again.
Okay, that was a little one-sided. Here's the other side, just to be fair.
Tell your DM he needs more detail in his games, and offer to help him. Make suggestions of pictures/music/miniatures to get. Help him set up the game the day before it's supposed to happen. Then go home and call the other players. Tell them the DM had to leave town because of an unforeseen emergency, and the game has been canceled. You don't show up to the game either.
HOW TO ANNOY YOUR PLAYERS
The following house rules can be implemented in order to "add zest to the campaign." Dungeon Masters around the world are petitioning their nations' legislative bodies to make this a law under the Sucks to be You Act. Implement them at your own risk.
Barbarians
While barbarians are truly fearsome when they rage, they are emotionally exhausted when the rage ends. If a stressful or dangerous situation occurs after a barbarian comes out of his rage, the only action he can take is sit on the ground and wail like an infant. This will last until the end of the situation. At this time, the barbarian cannot attack and is considered flat-footed.
Bards
No matter how well a bard performs, there will always be at least one critic who hates his performance and heckles him mercilessly. Throwing tomatoes at the bard is optional but recommended.
Bardic spells must be sung and played on a musical instrument. The bard must make a Charisma check (to emulate his singing) and a Dexterity check (to emulate his playing) to successfully cast a spell, both at DC 15. If the bard fails either roll, the spell fizzles, and nothing happens. If the bard fails both checks, he suffers a magical backlash of 1d4 per level of spell he was attempting to cast.
Clerics and Paladins
If the cleric or paladin finds himself in a situation that may tempt him to sin (the actual definition of "sin" depends on the patron deity), the PC must pass a Willpower save at DC 15. Failure means that the character is tempted to commit the sin, and the deity casts a Shocking Grasp spell on the PC as a warning. Should the cleric or paladin ignore the warning and sin anyway, the deity punishes him by casting a Call Lightning spell on the wretch. And you thought your religion was restrictive!
Druids and Rangers
Whenever a druid or ranger attempts to enter the city, his animal companions decide he is not worthy of their respect and attack him, fighting to the death.
Fighters
Whenever the player rolls a natural 18 or higher, the blow was so powerful, it put a strain on the weapon. The stroke deals damage to the target normally, but the weapon also suffers half that amount, rounded up. Be sure to reduce the weapon's hardness before reducing its hit points.
If the roll is a natural 3 or lower, the weapon has struck the target in a very bad way. The target is not damaged, but the weapon suffers full damage as if a hit had been rolled. Remember to include bonuses from Strength and enchantments.
NOTE: This applies to everyone engaged in melee combat.
Monks
When a monk misses his unarmed attack roll by 5 or more, he suffers from a pulled muscle due to overexertion. He is at -2 to all attacks until he is healed.
When a monk misses his unarmed attack roll by 10 or more, he breaks the limb he was attacking with. He is at -5 to all attacks until he is healed.
When a monk uses his increased speed or Leap of the Clouds ability, he must roll his Dexterity at DC 20. Failure results in halved movement and -2 to AC due to a pulled groin muscle.
NOTE: These rules apply to everyone engaged in unarmed combat or fast movement.
Rogues
The secret police are everywhere. Even the lowliest beggar is a fully deputized agent of the law. If the rogue is apparently alone when he commits a crime, in reality the secret police were tailing him while invisible.
Have someone else pick the rogue's pocket for a change. Ironically, the secret police were all on coffee break when this occurred.
Sorcerers and Wizards
Sorcerers and wizards suffer 2 points of subdual damage per level of spell they cast. In addition, when a high level spell (level 7 or higher) is cast, the caster must make a Fortitude save at DC 25. Failure results in the following consequences:
Failure by 5: The wizard or sorcerer permanently loses 2 points of a randomly determined ability score. The random loss indicates the chaotic nature of magic.
Failure by 10: As above, but the familiar also takes 3 hit points of lethal damage per spell level.
Failure by 15: As failure by 10, but the wizard or sorcerer is forever immune to the effects of the spell he was attempting to cast. Unfortunately, he has forever lost the ability to cast that spell.
Should you have a death wish, feel free to enforce these rules. Here are a few helpful tips to facilitate their implementation.
1. Wear running shoes and be prepared to use them.
2. Sit as far away from the players as possible, preferably near the exit.
3. Minimize the number of objects the players can throw at you. Dice and pencils are a necessary evil, but remove all glasses, bottles, and CD players from the room.
Good luck and happy gaming. I hope I see you again.
Okay, that was a little one-sided. Here's the other side, just to be fair.
HOW TO ANNOY YOUR DUNGEON MASTER
Tell your DM he needs more detail in his games, and offer to help him. Make suggestions of pictures/music/miniatures to get. Help him set up the game the day before it's supposed to happen. Then go home and call the other players. Tell them the DM had to leave town because of an unforeseen emergency, and the game has been canceled. You don't show up to the game either.