The transformation of the book Arwen (the nearly 3,000-year-old betrothed of Aragorn) to a 13-year-old girl in a gossamer dress getting kisses on her lips and thighs from two grown men (who then kiss each other) is remarkable. If you had any doubts that this was written in 1970...
He may have been planning to put his daughter Telsche into the movie (she was 13 in 1970.) Or maybe one of his younger daughters, if filming didn't start for a couple years.
That bizarre Kabuki Theatre lasts about 6 minutes. The council lasts about 2 or 3 minutes. Again (sorry, Kent), this mirrors how swiftly Thorin & Company left Rivendell in The Hobbit, whereas in the LotR book the Company hangs out in Rivendell for two entire months after their all-day council.
Does it mention 'Kabuki' in the script or do you choose the word yourself? I love the idea of masked actors play-acting history and topical news. The madness in the script appeals to me ... then again I though Zardoz was pants.
In a film version I expect imaginative filmic liberty to be taken with a book, an interpretation should not be the paint-by-numbers job that Jackson did. So for a film I don't mind the heavy cutting and speed so long as all is interesting. after all I have read the book many times. Tom Bombadil should *never* be left out of any interpretation though. Those who don't see the importance of Bombadil don't understand how Tolkien inherited the world of fairy and miss that the Bombadil episode is his acknowledgement.
I made enquiries about getting a copy of this script only to be told that he'd made a mistake.
Apparently due to copyright he's only supposed to copy at most 25% of the script. I didn't even get the option to purchase that much though.
The way is closed...
Yes, often happens with book requests. Which is why you only ask for the book in 20% batches. Over the course of a few months, you can legally acquire a photcopy of the whole thing.
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Re: John Boorman's Lord of the Rings screenplay « Reply #19 on Nov 15, 2011, 2:00am »
The Lord of the Rings: John Boorman's LSD Hippy Version
From the 1-hour, 1-minute mark of the screenplay to the 1-hour, 21-minute mark:
The Fellowship enters Moria, and they step into an "ecoplex". (This term is not in the script, but it is hand-written in the margin.) They hear the still-fresh voice of Gollum echoing: "Preciouss...preciouss...precious..." Gimli refers to the "Dwarves of Once" (which is left unexplained).
Legolas asks Gimli why in the world the Dwarves would want to live "in these dark holes". Gimli grabs Gandalf's glowing staff and hurls it high into the air, where it illumines the splendor of the vast city of stone through which they wander.
Sting starts glowing. Orcs! The Company is moving "over an undulating surface, which is soft beneath their feet." Percussive beats break the silence. Believe it or not, the Fellowship has been walking on inert orcs, and the Company's footsteps are starting up the orcs' heartbeats. "ORCS are human-like creatures, with reptile and bird-like features. A kind of armour grows spontaneously from their bodies."
The revived orcs start kicking the inert ones in the chest, getting them going as well. The orcs surround the Fellowship. Melee. Gimli "conducts a one-man massacre", calling out warcries in his guttural tongue.
The Fellowship cuts its way through the orcs to "a narrow bridge of rotting rope and wood span[ning] a chasm of some twenty feet across."
"Out of the chasm rises a terrifying sight. A huge creature wreathed in flame, whose soft body changes in shape...Its presence makes a strange humming sound." A Balrog!
Interestingly, the Balrog has a paralyzing effect on the Fellowship. They can scarcely move. When Gandalf confronts the Balrog, its spell weakens and the Fellowship flees to the bridge. Nobody dares help Gandalf. The frightened Boromir says, "It has gutted and filleted me. Oh, Gondor, forgive me."
Gandalf strikes the Balrog with staff and with sword. The Balrog clutches Gandalf and the two fall into the abyss. The Fellowship leaves Moria, after being therein for about 7 minutes of screen-time.
The Fellowship, limping and wounded, cross a dusty land. Then they see a lake fed by a waterfall, surrounded by trees, shrubs, and blossoms. "It is idyllic, dream like, a wild garden of Eden."
The Fellowship takes off most of their clothes and bathes, feeling rejuvenated. Then "a figure surfaces out of the waters...She is a tall and beautiful woman of elven features, sparsely clad, statuesque, aloof...Shimmering pearls of water glide down her body." She waves aside her bowmen that now surround the lake, and the Company now notices a tent by the lake as well. Legolas recognizes her as Galadriel.
The Fellowship all start hitting on this woman. Legolas tries a come-on line, Gimli ogles her, Boromir displays his muscles, Aragorn tries to look dignified, etc.
Then Aragorn mentions to Galadriel that Gandalf has fallen. She replies, "Gandalf - I knew him once, before he took the guise of man."
"Boromir, with a flush of passion, takes her in his arms and kisses her. She remains aloof and unresponsive. His ardour withers and he turns away, with a bitter cry of humiliation."
Galadriel is more interested in Frodo, touching his Ring, which makes the others gasp. She looks into Frodo's eyes, shakes out her mane of hair, and nets Frodo with it: "You shall look into the Mirror; and you alone."
Galadriel takes Frodo into her tent. Inside are carpets and cushions, as well as a small silver basin filled with water. What can I do now but quote the script:
FRODO: I look and I see nothing.
GALADRIEL: You look and you see nothing, for you are not yet ready.
FRODO: When, when shall I be ready? And how?
GALADRIEL: With knowledge. And I am that knowledge.
FRODO: I - I don't know what questions I should ask.
GALDRIEL: Your eyes ask questions...already.
Accepting the invitation, his eyes wander over her body, drinking in its loveliness. GALADRIEL's austere and aloof features soften. GALADRIEL's hand touches the chain from which the Ring dangles. And FRODO's hand takes hers. FRODO looks again into the reflection in the basin and sees their two faces come together and kiss.
Then we cut away to the rest of the Fellowship, stuck outside the tent in a huge hammock-like thing. Humorously, Merry takes a bite of lembas (which, if you remember, tastes like whatever you are thinking about at the time), rolls it around in his mouth, savors the taste ecstatically, and says, "Galadriel."
The Fellowship talks of two things: desire for Galadriel, and Boromir saying he'll go south to Minas Tirith, while Aragorn saying he'll go north to Mordor.
The next morning Frodo and Galadriel float together in the lake. Frodo can now see that she wears one of the Elven Rings. Frodo hands the One Ring to Galadriel, desiring to give it to her. She handles it, and is about to put it on, but an ugly grimace comes over her face, along with fear and trembling. Frodo pulls back the Ring, saying, "I cannot give it, and you cannot bear it."
"GALADRIEL seems to diminish, and FRODO to grow in stature. He is ascendant now, greater than she."
Galadriel tells him that if he destroys the One Ring, "our powers will fade, too, and the Elves will dwindle to a rustic folk of dell and cave..."
Frodo responds, "What I felt in you is the stuff of which all life is made."
Galadriel then says, "After we have gone, our powers may find a small place in the hearts of women. In other women you will remember me - in them, men will sometimes find a fleeting vision of what we were."
When Frodo returns to the Fellowship, they look at him angrily.
They leave on a raft down the river. Frodo and Sam later discuss seeing Gollum in the river, following them. At one point, Aragorn is about to strike at the elusive Gollum, but Frodo stays his hand.
As the Fellowship nears the rapids, Orcs start shooting arrows at them. Merry, Boromir, Sam, and Gimli all receive minor wounds. The swiftening water takes them out of range of the Orcs.
The rapids are nasty. They get beat-up and bloodied going through, ending in a shallow pool. Cue music. INTERMISSION.
Obviously, this is a good place to stop.
The scenes with Galadriel (which last a total of about 9 minutes) are clearly different than the book and clearly interesting. The Virgin Mary-like figure has been replaced by an Aphrodite-like figure. The Fellowship already received elven goodies from Elrond, so there was no need to get them from Galadriel. She didn't give any gifts--except to Frodo, of course.
From Galadriel Frodo received "knowledge" in the Biblical sense ("Abraham knew his wife, and she conceived..."). Also of interest is the treatment of sex in a post-elf world: in women, men will sometimes have a fleeting vision of the loveliness of the elves.
No Lothlorien. No Celeborn. Even the offering of the Ring to Galadriel is inverted: Instead of Galadriel refusing the Ring, Frodo takes it back from her. The sex-oracle Galadriel of the script has poured strength into Frodo. He has the strength to bear the Ring. She doesn't.
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Re: John Boorman's Lord of the Rings screenplay « Reply #22 on Nov 16, 2011, 12:07am »
The Lord of the Rings: John Boorman's LSD Hippy Version
From the 1-hour, 22-minute mark of the screenplay to the 1-hour, 41-minute mark:
We come back from the welcome intermission, after making a pilgrimage to the men's room.
The second half of the movie starts with the Fellowship trudging up to a crossroads. Aragron says it is time to choose: A) Everybody south to Minas Tirith, B) everybody north to Mordor, or C) break the Fellowship? Frodo gets to choose!
Frodo asks for an hour and wanders off. Uh, oh. Here comes Boromir. He tries to take the Ring and Frodo flees, invisible. Under the influence of the Ring, Frodo sees visions of various parts of Middle-earth, ending with the Eye of Mordor. Frodo jerks the Ring off his finger. Frodo decides to go to Mordor alone.
Boromir comes back to the Company, sadness choking his words into incoherence. Boromir points in the direction that he last saw Frodo, and Aragorn, Legoas, Gimli, and Sam rush that way. Merry and Pippin stay to comfort Boromir.
Sam sees Frodo and runs to catch up with him.
Uh, oh! Orcs coming at Boromir, Merry, Pippin. Boromir welcomes the battle. He slays many orcs with his half of the Sword-That-Was-Broken, but the orcs shoot him with many arrows and carry off the two Hobbits. Boromir sounds his horn.
Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli answer the call, scattering the orcs. Boromir says to Aragorn, "Aragorn, my blood brother. Take the Sword-that-was-broken. Go to Minas Tirith in my place."
Then we cut to a scene in which Boromir lies buried under a mound of stone. Legolas and Gimli tell Aragorn that the two of them will go after the orcs who have taken Merry and Pippin. Aragorn says he will go, too, in spite of his pledge to Boromir to go to Minas Tirith. This profoundly disturbs Legolas and Gimli, who think Aragorn is mad:
LEGOLAS: Would you set two Halflings above the plight of a great city?
ARAGORN: I cannot, and yet I will.
We then cut to a short scene of Frodo and Sam at the edge of a huge marshland. Beyond it is the Great Wall of Mordor.
Then we're back with Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, tracking the orcs. They see a beautiful white horse running across the plain.
And we're back with Frodo and Sam again. Sam reckons that they have 3 days' worth of lembas left. I told you this script really speeds things up! They capture Gollum and make him swear on the Ring to lead them through the marshes to Mordor.
Back with Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli: They see in the distance an army of horsemen slaughtering the orcs. They rush forward and arrive only after the battle is over. The leader of the horsemen is Eomer, son of Theoden. (That's right: son of Theoden.) Eomer tells them they saw no Halflings. Legolas and Gimli find the Hobbits' tracks leading into the forest. Legolas says, "These halflings! They manage better without us, it seems."
So the three decide that Merry and Pippin no longer need them. Suddenly a mounted figure gallops across the horizon. "Nazgul" say the Riders. Eomer gives Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas three horses, and the three of them ride off towards Minas Tirith, while Eomer and his men ride to tell Theoden of the Nazgul.
We'll stop there.
Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas indeed never go to Rohan in this screenplay.
Boorman cuts the story down to the bone. After all, he's only to the end of the first of the "Trilogy", and he's already halfway through his movie! He needs to fit the Two Towers and Return of the King into an hour and a half. Theodred: Gone! And you haven't seen anything yet. The changes to the story are much more extensive from here on than they were in the first half of the movie.
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Re: John Boorman's Lord of the Rings screenplay « Reply #23 on Nov 16, 2011, 3:57am »
Very interesting, geoffrey. Thanks for writing this up in such detail... it gives quite a good picture of what the movie might have been like. As odd as it is in places, I can't say I dislike it at all. Knowing that Boorman went on to Excalibur when this fell through, I can really imagine the way this might have looked given the era and the director, and I think it would have been amazing.
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Re: John Boorman's Lord of the Rings screenplay « Reply #24 on Nov 18, 2011, 12:57am »
The Lord of the Rings: John Boorman's LSD Hippy Version
From the 1-hour, 42-minute mark of the screenplay to the 1-hour, 58-minute mark:
Frodo, Sam, and Gollum are in the marshes. Wisps of light dance over the bogs. They see dead faces of Elves, Men, and Orcs in the water. Gollum explains that they died in a battle "when I was young, before Precious came our way." Frodo replies, "I have heard the old tales. Elves and Men overcame the armies of Sauron." Thus either Gollum is over 3,000 years old, or Boorman has ignored Tolkien's chronology. (I suspect the latter.)
Gollum tells the Hobbits he was once of Hobbit kind, which makes Frodo and Sam burst out laughing.
We cut to Merry and Pippin stumbling through a forest at night. They bump into a tall figure glowing white. They think it is Saruman. The figure tells them, "I am Saruman...but as Saruman should have been..."
Back to Frodo and Sam: They are asleep and sinking into quicksand. Gollum debates whether he should save them or steal the Ring.
Back to Pippin and Merry: Pippin takes the figure's sword and hands it to Merry. Merry gets piggyback on Pippin and charges the figure: "For the Shire!" But they fall backwards, and the figure laughs, revealing himself as Gandalf.
Back to Frodo and Sam: Gollum decides to rescue them, but himself sinks in the mire. Frodo yells, "Gollum! You swore on the Precious, to take us to Mordor," to which Gollum replies right before he's engulfed, "We did - gollum." And sure enough--the Great Wall of Mordor is only a few feet away.
Back to Merry and Pippin: Gandalf makes a hawk descend to him, and Gandalf is able to see everything that the hawk has seen of Middle-earth. He sees Aragorn with Gimli and Legolas, and he wonders if Aragorn bears the Ring! And Gandalf notes that he (Gandalf) has "become more like the Dark Lord...Your Gandalf is dangerous...more dangerous than anything you will ever meet, unless you are brought, alive, before Sauron Himself."
Gandalf then sees that Frodo and Sam are alive. Then he says, "From the Wraith-essence of the Nine, a Nazgul has risen." That's right. The Nine have combined into a SINGLE Nazgul. Not Nine. There's only one.
Finally, Gandalf summons Shadowfax, and the three ride towards Theoden's hall.
Frodo and Sam find a withered oak tree growing out of the base of the Wall. They climb into its branches and sleep.
We cut back to Gandalf, Merry, and Pippin. They ride Shadowfax right up to the door of King Theoden's throne room. Shadowfax kicks the door in, and in they go. While the architecture is spartan, delicate drapes hang down. The court sits around, stuffed from eating, listening to musicians playing lutes and lyres. A girl in wispy veils performs a graceful dance.
On one side of Theoden is his counselor, a hunchback. On his other side is his daughter (yes, daughter), Eowyn.
Everyone but Theoden leaps up as Gandalf enters and says, "Danger...will soon engulf your pretty vanities. I come to rouse you from your feather cusions..."
Theoden mocks him, asking, "Aid? Do you bring men? Horses? Are these [the Hobbits] your warriors?"
The hunchback tries to interrupt Gandalf, but Gandalf calls him Wormtongue and basically tells him to shut-up, accusing him of being a servant of Mordor. The wizard then tells the Hobbits to attack Theoden's soldiers. Before they can do so, however, Gandalf starts tearing down the drapes, letting daylight burst in on himself.
Gandalf now speaks for 36 lines. He tells of his mighty fight with the balrog (with details similar to that in the book), his death, and the fact that dreams of good-natured Hobbits drew him back to Middle-earth. He ends by encouraging Theoden to risk all "for one last battle against the Evil that would overwhelm us."
The young courtiers break out into cheers. Theoden replies, "All wars seem urgent to the young. I do not see this one is as special as you claim. But I should ride again."
Wormtongue tries to stab Theoden with a dagger, but is tripped by the Hobbits. Theoden draws his sword and becomes a young and mighty king again and shouts, "To Minas Tirith!" Cheers. He throws his sword in the air...
...and we cut to the mounted Theoden, riding at the head of the Rohirrim, catching his sword. Gandalf and the two Hobbits on Shadowfax ride at Theoden's side. The company halts. Theoden sends his captains forth to gather more men, and to find Eomer. Gandalf rides off, too. They all agree to meet at Minas Tirith.
That's a good place to pause.
And with that, we basically have 1 hour left in the movie.
I am grateful that Boorman disposes of Gollum thus. I find him most tiresome. There's very little of Gollum in this script.
Also interesting is the Nine Riders turning into one Nazgul. Further, this Nazgul rides a horse. Nothing flies in the script (unless you count the hawk that Gandalf calls to him).
Once again, Boorman sexs things up a bit with a dancing girl in wispy veils in Theoden's hall.
It is strange that Merry and Pippin thought that Gandalf was Saruman. Why would they think that? There is no Isengard in the script, or Helm's Deep. What we saw of Rohan in the scene with Gandalf confronting Theoden is basically all we ever see of it. When we finally encounter Saruman, it is before the Great Wall of Mordor!
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Re: John Boorman's Lord of the Rings screenplay « Reply #25 on Nov 20, 2011, 1:26am »
The Lord of the Rings: John Boorman's LSD Hippy Version
From the 1-hour, 59-minute mark of the screenplay to the 2-hour, 12-minute mark:
Once again a tree does something unnatural. Remember the tree we left Frodo and Sam slumbering in? Its roots tear a breach in the Great Wall of Mordor. This attracts the attention of some orcs, uruks, and trolls. Frodo and Sam, hiding behind fallen branches from the tree, creep away into Mordor while the orcs repair the Wall. The Hobbits see a vast army of orcs marching to war.
Then we have a bunch of quick scenes, each lasting perhaps 5-10 seconds:
Gandalf and Pippin ride upon the galloping Shadowfax.
An orc army crosses Mordor.
Aragorn, followed by Rangers, rides through an ancient battlefield. He calls out in a wordless cry. Dead men and elves stagger out of their graves to their feet, becoming an army of the dead.
Legolas runs from branch to branch of a forest, calling out. Other tree elves answer his call.
Gimli gallops to an open pit, calling out in the dwarven tongue. Dwarves come out of their burrowings, bearing axes, cheer, and climb up.
The hosts of Mordor pass through the Great Gates of Mordor onto the Pelennor Fields. On the horizon is Minas Tirith.
Two companies of Riders converge. One is Theoden's, and the other belongs to Eomer. Father and son meet and embrace.
That's the end of the quick, 5-10 second scenes.
Back in Mordor, Frodo and Sam start running from orcs who have seen them. They come up to a tower surrounded by a canal filled with a brown liquid. They jump in, and the rushing liquid carries them inside the tower. Inside is a terrible whirlpool. The Hobbits seem doomed, but a thin silvery wire hangs down. They climb up onto solid ground. They're saved!
Uh, oh. No. The "wire" was spider-web from Shelob! The Hobbits fight it, and Frodo cries out, "I shall slay it, Sam. I am the Lord of the Ring! For you, Galadriel!", only to get stung in the neck. Shelob tries to crush Sam with her bulk, but in doing so stabs herself deeply on Sting (now held by Sam). Shelob retreats into a hole.
Sam thinks Frodo is dead, so he takes the Ring to continue the quest. Suddenly orcs come up! Sam hides. One orc slashes its own wrist, letting its blood pour into Frodo's mouth. Frodo chokes and groans. The orcs take Frodo past a heavy iron grill in the roof. Sam sinks down by it in despair.
Pippin and Gandalf on Shadowfax approach Minas Tirith, and Gandalf points out the Nazgul, a distant speck trailing dust, also heading towards the city.
In a chamber above the gates sits Denethor. The guards start treading on a treadmill device that opens the gates. It opens only a few inches when Denethor waves them away. He looks at Gandalf, mere inches away, through the opening. For a long 2 mintutes Denethor stalls at the gate, asking Gandalf about Boromir, and is told of his son's death. Only when Gandalf promises details does Denethor order the gate opened.
But the delay was too long! The Nazgul is here, "mounted on a steed which seems to have no skin. Its live, raw bleeding flesh is exposed." The dust behind it settles, revealing hundreds of mounted orcs who had been hiding within the dust.
Shadowfax bolts inside as the orcs charge. A short fight ensues, but the gates are finally closed.
Denethor stands on the battlements above the gates, oblivious of the trouble below. He demands of Pippin more information about Boromir, to which Pippin offers his services. Denethor accepts Pippin's sword and throws it over the battlements. Gandalf and a captain try to get Denethor to focus on the vast army from Mordor attacking Minas Tirith.
All Denethor can say is, "Go fight and burn: for burn we must. Gandalf, your hope is to rule in my stead," which of course Gandalf denies. Gandalf and the captains then proceed to the battle, leaving Pippin watching as Denethor jerks and winces each time a huge battering ram strikes the walls of Minas Tirith.
That is a good place to stop.
What did I tell you about a frenetic pace? Look at how much has happened in a mere 13 minutes. Don't wonder where Faramir is. He doesn't exist. Most of the second half of The Two Towers (i. e., Book IV of The Lord of the Rings) is utterly ignored, as is the slow build-up of the beginning of The Return of the King. Instead we lose no time in getting to the actual siege of Minas Tirith.
Truth to tell, I have long found Book IV to be one of my less favorite parts of the story, so its radical abridgement suits me. My favorite parts tend to be Book II (the second half of The Fellowship of the Ring), Book III (the first half of The Two Towers), and Book V (the first half of The Return of the King).
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Re: John Boorman's Lord of the Rings screenplay « Reply #26 on Nov 20, 2011, 7:55am »
Astonishing! Thanks for this highly entertaining thread. Have another exalt for your collection. I wonder how Boorman thought he could pull off the FX for things like the balrog, Shelob and the Nazgul's skinless, bleeding steed...If I was in charge I would've retained the services of Ray Harryhausen first thing, but that's just me.
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Re: John Boorman's Lord of the Rings screenplay « Reply #28 on Nov 20, 2011, 2:46pm »
I think the idea was to have a horse wear a body suit printed with a horse's musculature. Slather on some Hollywood goop, and there you go.
I hadn't thought about Ray Harryhausen doing stop motion for Boorman's LotR film. That would have been awesome. Starring Raquel Welch as Galadriel, of course. Imagine such a movie released in 1972.
On top of that, imagine an 8ish-issue Marvel Comics adaptation of the film, drawn by Mike Ploog and published in 1972. Now THAT would feel very D&Dish. You'd be half-expecting Conan and/or Elric to wander into the story.
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Re: John Boorman's Lord of the Rings screenplay « Reply #29 on Nov 20, 2011, 4:18pm »
The Lord of the Rings: John Boorman's LSD Hippy Version
From the 2-hour, 13-minute mark of the screenplay to the 2-hour, 25-minute mark:
Sam, sitting by the grill, puts on the Ring when orcs open the grill. When Sam has the Ring on, a cacophony of light and sound swirls around him. And the orcs collapse in agony simply being near Sam. He ascends up, up, and up the tower. Any orcs in his path collapse in pain. Then Sam hears a great Voice: "One Ring to rule them all..." Sam then takes the Ring off and falls unconscious.
Back in Minas Tirth, Pippin is now wearing a jester's outfit with old blood-stains and arrow holes. He and Denethor stroll along the tops of the walls, watching the desperate siege. Orcs have breached the outer walls and have set fire to the buildings and land between the two walls, and the orcs now besiege the inner wall. Denethor asks Pippin how Boromir fared with Lady Galadriel, and he breaks into mad and despairing laughter when he's told that she picked a Halfling instead.
Gandalf on Shadowfax is battling back orcs with torches who take swigs from drinking skins, and then spit the liquid on the torches, making flames shoot forth. When Gandalf gets to Denethor, the latter tells him that it was insane to give the Ring to a Halfling and then send him into Mordor. The Ring should have been given to Boromir instead. Then a cock crows...
And a distant horn of the Riders of Rohan is heard! Led by Theoden and Eomer, they charge into the orcs as Minas Tirith cheers. The people inside, soldiers and civilians, fling open the gates and make a sortie to assist the Riders. The battle rages for a minute or two, and then with "a terrifying vibrato wail" charges forth...
the Nazgul! Theoden spurs his horse towards it. The Nazgul's lance pierces Theoden straight through the chest and out his back. Theoden lands on his feet, pivots, and knocks the Nazgul's horse down with the end of the lance before he (Theoden) falls. The Nazgul draws his sword and walks towards Theoden to finish the job. But here comes a Rider carrying Merry!
"Begone, foul lord of carrion! Leave the dead in peace!"
The Nazgul hits the Rider's sword arm, thus dropping the sword held in that arm. Merry jumps at the Nazgul, and Merry gets wounded in the thigh, but Merry stabs it in the knee. Meanwhile, the Rider catches his falling sword with his left hand, and slays the Nazgul. The Nazgul's horse picks up the Nazgul's empty helmet with its teeth and heads towards Mordor. Both Merry and the Rider fall senseless. Merry comes to and removes the Rider's helmet, revealing Eowyn. "I should have guessed," says Merry. He then begins to undress her, and "her beautiful body is revealed." Merry then faints.
Gandalf, Denethor, and Pippin approach. Denethor is dragging his crown. He then "lies down beside Theoden, and grotesquely goes through the motions of dying although he has suffered no wound."
The battle rages for another minute or so. Amongst the defenders of Minas Tirith are:
1. "the BEE CULTIVATORS, dressed entirely in leather, with wicker masks, and bees swarming around their gloved hands"
2. "BLACKSMITHS with leather aprons and long-handled hammers"
3. "FARMERS with an array of pitchforks and spikes"
4. "WOMEN, some pregnant, some nursing, clad in armour improvised from kitchen ware"
Eomer approaches Theoden, who with his last dying act takes his crown and puts it on his son's head.
Then a monstrous snake 100 yards long approaches Minas Tirith. Everyone is dismayed, while the orcs chortle with joy. Suddenly the snake disintegrates, and out of its head "breaks a great white banner with a tree embossed on it." The snake was actually warriors holding up their painted shields. The good guys cheer.
That's a good place to stop.
I don't have much comment on this part except to say that this would have been a pretty bizarre battle scene on the screen. Bee cultivators and pregnant women wearing kitchen ware fighting the orcs? Wow.
And of course we can't have a woman in this movie with her clothes coming off. Good ol' Merry.
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Starring Raquel Welch as Galadriel, of course. Imagine such a movie released in 1972.